wha?

I don't know where to start.

I sit here, now; technically december 30th 2007 12:55am

I cannot stop my head from spinning.
It's like the giant wheel on Price is right that the contestants spin....
I feel likeI took a turn to spin the one in my head and it won't settle on a damn thing

I leave to greece in 8 days.
I am soo excited
but my stomach feels uneasy
possibly because i just ate a huge slice of cake that isn't going to help rid the few pesky holiday pounds ;)
rather, I think I just don't feel prepared.
how can you prepare to be away for 2 months?
leave my husband, my friends, and I JUST got myself acqauinted with Los Angeles.

on top of it we just got a sweet new navagation system and a Wii with Guitar Hero...I won't be able to enjoy the new toys for over 2 months.

I just spent the whole month of december on vacation so I truly am starting to miss Los Angeles.

eh.

tis the season we all lose our heads, and stuff our faces

Well.
the itenerary for the next while consits of
starting friday:
9 days in Hawaii
back to Los Angleles for 3 days
11 days in Oregon
Back to Los angeles for a week or so
Then off to Greece for couple months sans Andrew.
( then back for a couple months and i think off to Asia?)
yes, months.
I'm off to work over there for a bit.
Get a little more money, a little wiser, and a bit more culturally educated.

I found out the other day that I don't have to get surgery on my ol' third shoulder problem
I have tendenosis. Which is a chronic pain in my right shoulder in which it's unable to support itself and my body and completely formed ....well de-formed itself.

all of these years and i didn't do anything about it. I'm going to the chiropractor for the 2nd time this week tommorrow.
prescription: 1 hour massage. Soo hard to swallow but I'll take it.

I have to get physical therapy, pilates, and on top of that 2 visits a week to the chiropractor.

Andrew, on the other hand, is as stiff as a board and his body barely bends in any shape or form

The Dr. said that we are in such bad shape for our age. We're more like an old elderly couple than two cool cats in their twenties.

...If she only knew! We spend evenings talking about our ailments, playing scrabble in sweatpants, and making snow angels in our freshly shampoo'd carpets.. We will save all of the fun and wild stuff for our 60's.

that about does it for today, I've got to dust off the bikini collection and toss it in the suitcase.


Goal for the next 24 hours: Necessities only

cold shoulder to the third power

cold shoulder to the third power
Current mood: restless

i can't sleep.

the reasoning is either one or two or three fold...
possibly more... but then that would be more like a chinese fan or an accordian, as opposed to a couple folds, like a pamphlet. (which I always picture when anyone uses that term/expression of "two (or three) fold").

My to-do list has barely been dented and i keep thinking about it instead of DOING something about it.

or

could it be that today I was bombarded with an ass load of information.
MRI
surgery
europe
three shoulders
say whhhhhat?

pass the potatoes.

Dr Pear, who remembles a string bean more so than a pear, tells me that my body was soo thoughtful and went ahead and created a third shoulder for me behind my back. pun intended? maybe.

although it's pretty awesome in the fact that I am now roughly 2 or 3 shoulders away from being a triceratops (which ironically is an herbivore as well), it's gotta go.



another random thought in closing.

when I sit down to a dinner feast, at a restaurant, or once in a blue moon when I cook at home; I quite frequently am found referring to my dish as "messy".

"this is messy" i declare.
Followed by a chuckle or possibly a snarle.

futhermore, the other day andrew said some phrase in spanish. So I patiently waited the usual 5 seconds and he proceeded to explain and said "its a (cheeky) term which blames the object for doing something wrong, (and some other nonsense ensuing that it wasn't the FOOD that was messy)" (honestly I kind of tuned out once I realized what he was saying.
the mess could frankly be the eater not the eatee.
who woulda' thunk it?

for once, I didn't fight the fight. I usually can end a debate with the ol' man winning with a valid point.

But he was right, I got flashbacks of my parents saying "when you clear the dinner table you can always tell where brynn was sitting because of the ring of food that circled her plate"

I pictured myself eating salad (semi-messy),cheese fries (messy), and and ice cream cone(messy if you let it melt).
totally the foods fault.
my mind ventured down a path which was pathed with images of myself scarfing down food.



guilty.
my food is not messy. it's me. truly and honestly.

let me get one thing clear; I chew with my mouth closed and dont make any grotesque noises. Its just SOMEHOW my food dances around my plate and lands elsewhere.

perhaps its just me being subconciously artistic, you know, making lemonade out of lemons, making christmas wreaths out of a vegetarian friendly salad, and so on.

happy holidays kids.
and may god and/or buddha bless you if you've actually read this

down-to-earth.

Annnnnnnd. I'm back.
holla.

I didn't go to hollywood. I watched oprah and fell asleep. woke up to tyra banks' crazy ass preaching about something.

So.
Looking back on my planner:
it was monday October 15.
I had a casting
a fitting
I had to stop by the agency for some new cards

Then I had about 2 hours or so to kill until the Heatherette show.

So I went to the Beverly Center and did some "Browsing" I didn't find anything pleasing to the eye other than some delicious indulgences at Godiva. And you better your bottom I indulged. I got some chocolate and savored every bite.

I started making my way towards the third level when I was stopped with a guy that had a polaroid camera while I was mid-bite into my truffle. He liked my "look" and "style" he was scouting for Levi's. They like to pick their people off the street supposedly. I gave him my agency info to avoid any chance of him being a (seemingly nice) skeeze.
He took a polaroid of my mug and then my whole ensemble.

He was a cool twenty something guy. I don't think he was a skeeze. You find a lot of those guys in LA. Pretending to be somebodies looking for anybodies.

So it had been a bit of a busy day but the chocolate and windowshopping kind of calmed me down.
I hopped in my car, payed my $1 parking fee and strolled down to the red light where you exit the beverly center.

I was (still) eating my chocolate when all of a freaking sudden

it sounds like a bomb goes off

then

a body falls.


roughly 5 feet in front of me,

I froze and felt my blood, my stomach, and everything else sink to my toes.

WHHHAT



the

HELLLLL?

holy shit. oh my.....




gosh. What the fuuuuu

ck.

??

My mind froze along with the ongoing traffic.

There was a man with a severed leg. Blood and guts squirting out of his chest, leg and head. His face was all torn up while his body tremble uncontrollably.

There was a cop car, two cars down, and they put the car in park right where it was, and two police men walked over. Their faces were stunned as the approached the body.

A young man comes up to my window and taps on it. he mouths "Are you okay?"

I realize my deer-caught-in-headlights, hands over dropped jaw-open mouth, pale-as-chalk. appearance read to be
"not OK"

I nodded my head while my hands remained covereing my face.

All of the passerby's and pedestrains were, I'm sure, just as shocked as I was

I watched the traffic light turn green, then red, then green again.

The cars behind me not knowing what had just happened, honking and yelling.
I cut off the guy in the left lane next to me and go the opposite direction on La Cienega.

WHHHAT?

I kept on asking myself

I didn't understand.
All I saw was the body falling. I had suspected that a car maybe had hit him, he flew up in the air and landed?

It WAS SOOO Loud though.

And part of his leg was on the other side of La Cienega.

I start bawling.....
and hyperventilating (don't know how to spell that)

I call Andrew while driving around aimlessly. Thinking I was going to have to pull over to throw up.
I just didn't understand

And if you were to see what I saw, In a movie; your immediate reaction would be "That loooks sooo fake"

The gore of the blood and guts and how his body was shaking, It was almost over dramatic.

I was able to snap back into it and get myself over to smashbox studios. I show up and Richie Rich is in his pink top and rollerskates, platinum blonde hair, everyone is soo happy and pumped up about the show. And I feel like I'm going to faint and/or vomit.

I don't know how the hell I'm going to be able to walk for this show. Everyone was soo happy and carefree and I kep on replaying that man over and over in my head.

I was able to collect myself.
I had some food and water after talking to my make-up artist about it.

She was speechless and wanted to make sure I was stable enough to proceed with the whole shindig.

Later andrew and I went back to the Roosevelt to attend the heatherette after party (I didn't feel like going but Andrew insisted I would regret it later)

And we drove by the Beverly Center. I was trying to tell him just what happened and exactly where it all went down (no pun intended).

I pointed and said " It was right over there by that---"
When I realize it happened right over where they we doing construction, and I look up on the building and see a bunch of construction men on the side of the building.

IT all makes sense.

he was a construction worker, who fell from the building.

when I had talked to Andrew earlier in the day, I was trying to describe to him how the man appeared.
"He almost looked homeless, but I know he wasn't, his clothes were just really scruffy, his jeans were dirty and he was wearing an old flannel shirt"

The next day I was talking about it while in line backstae at another show, And a girl turned around and said "You saw that?! I heard about that, I was there that day and tried to leave like an hour after that happened and no one could get out, they say someone fell from the building!"


I've since, had dreams of myself falling from a building, dreamt of slow motion reenactment of him falling.

It was by far the most disturbing sight I'd ever SEEN.

That was the start to my jam-packed high stress week.
which yes, added some emotional stress. Although, it most definately put things in perspective. Here; I'm stressed about photoshoots,fittings,castings,and runway shows. While some family out there is mourning the death of this man. I wasn't nervous anymore, I didn't care that I kind of looked a little 'unflattered' in the clothes I was put in, I actually got a really really clear mind for once in a long while.

needless to say, I spend the rest of the Halloween season in more of a disney-esque angles as apposed to freddy kruger Gore.

I'd had my scare.


Rest In Peace, guy. I honestly don't think anyone should have to go that way.

back into blogging

Today.
Is a thursday.

Kind of slow.
only had one casting today.

I was awakened this morning at 9:05am from a text message from shaeah.

I realized That I needed to have my arse on the couch at elite in 55 minutes.

I walk out and see andrew eating toast with jelly and fried eggs on in. in his underwear and an american apparel T-shirt he just bought at wasteland for $10.

So I turn on the shower, grab a brush and brush out my hair while stripping my "pajamas".

In the mean time Andrew rises from his morning feast to try and steal the shower from me! I scolded him like a puppy in the wrong, and took a 2 minute shower.

I had to be ready in time to take andrew to work and be presentable for superficial analysis.
Anyway, aside from the predicament this morning of needing to be two places at once, I got there, and the client was late anyway so I was fine. I was able to catch up with some girls I hadn't seen a litte while.

Finally I'm at home, I've eaten my lunch. chased with some delicious chocolate.

next on the agenda: Nothing.


yeeeeeehaw!!

yes thats me 2 minutes ago, im alone. celebrating my solitude and blank space on the agenda.

I'm seriously debating driving out to hollywood to buy this hat I spotted on sunset Blvd a week ago. It was dirt cheap. Like 19 bucks or something. It just I spend so much time in that damn car, I'm on the fence about the drive, also traffic is soo unpredictable.

I still need to tell the story of The Beverly Center crisis.
Perhaps, I will later today? A double post? I think so.

whirlwind-ed.

whhhhhew


Man oh man,


It's been over a month.

Fashion week, busy week, losing my day job, seeing a man fall from a building onto the cement less than 5 feet on front of me..

enough to say I've crashed about a handful of times physically and mentally.
WHEW.

Things are evening out.
For two weeks may days started roughly around 7am and the latest I turned in was 1:30am.
All while trying to remain calm cool collected, oh and of course fabulous.

My weight dropped
my skin broke out
and my body was like a candle without any wax left that myself and others kept on trying to light up.

in the end I've frizzle frazzeled.

My skin is kind of calming down.
My weight's put back on,
and i find myself hanging upside down and stretching a lot as of late to even out my stress levels.
along with throwing the occaional cooking pot at the wall...

I've got so much to write out on paper.
or type out on a blog, whatever
but it is 1:11am and I've got to be up and out the door by 9:00am tommorrow.

I've got to take Andrew to work and then be over at Elite at 10am for a casting.
I swear I live in that car.
Which has water bottles, red bull cans, and candy wrappers beadazzling the interior like a christmas tree
perhaps I'll leave it in preparation for the upcoming holidays.


Yaaawwwn. how boring
I am extremely homesick for my family

I miss my moms presence and her cooking, my dads dumb jokes and moral support, my sisters laugh and her quirky little gestures, my brothers sparatic detailed stories which are told on high volume. I miss my little copy cat Temio who thinks that since both Disneyland and I are both in california; That Donald duck, goofy, andrew and I sit around eating snacks and play scrabble. I miss my overweight, lazy, irresistable dogs.

I miss the days in Hawaii where there was nothing to do but ride bikes to McDonalds to get a 99 cent ice cream cone and then head to the beach.

On Tuesday I've got a shoot in Palm Springs, I wish I could check out for a week and just stay there and camp out at a local retirement home and talk story around the pool with the old folks. I'm thinking if the funds are available I will scout out the supposedly amazing outlet mall and hunt for designer deals. for some retail therapy.


I shall start a countdown

3 weeks until thanksgiving.

1 month until Hawaii

And shortly after I will be in Portland eating moms delightful creations

I've enclosed 2 photos: How I feel, and how I have to look to make a buck.
It may just be difficult to tell the difference.

benefits of insomnia

It's the age-old question: What's the world coming to??

There have been several nights where I've been welcomed by the sound of police sirens and helicopters hovering above my apartment complex.  I've heard cops chasing (what I could only imagine would be) criminals.  Sound bytes of walkie talkies informing the whereabouts of the 'subject',  The intense pitter-patter of a twenty something's feet, yelling "OH SHIT!".

And I live in Santa Monica... a beach side suburb of Los Angeles, I can only imagine what it's like in the heart of the city.

I was up the other night at about 2am. I was Watching a little DVR'd (isn't that an adjective nowadays?) television.  And heard scurrying  outside, I hear a car start up in the parking garage, and a man's frantic voice muffled in attempt to keep quiet. I pause my TV, flick off the lights, and find myself peeping out of my curtains like Tom himself.  Wondering if it was a car-jacking or robbery.  The ruckus was reminiscent of the law enforced circus acts on previous late night occasions. I couldn't really see much, I run to my door, double check the locks, and assume my position back at the windowsill.

After looking around, I find an SUV stalled in the parking garage, it was the source of where everything was coming from. A man, running around like a headless chicken, as my eyes focused into the passenger seat, I notice a woman's ripe and protruding belly. I was brought not quite to tears, but more so a giant frog in my throat.  It wasn't a thief, nor a drug dealer. The commotion was one of the most beautiful things life has to offer.  There I sat, some random, nosy, neighbor lady witnessing such an intimate moment for that family.

I was truly taken aback.

What kind of person am I? Am I THAT person? Who automatically jumps to conclusions? I've always secretly prided myself on giving others the benefit of the doubt. But that's with conscious thought.  My instinct, however, does not.  In my 22 years, I've formed a callous. The prepared for the worst, hope for the best type of thing.  I never in my frazzled mind would have thought of the "glass half full" side of things in that scenario at 2am in a parking garage.

Isn't it interesting that sometimes we think we know who we are?  When its just a fantasized idea of who we aspire to be.  Aspirations of a better you or I, is fantastic, don't get me wrong. You can't get anywhere without striving for it.  It just made me sit back and evaluate who and how I really am. I obviously  know who and how I WANT to be.  I want to love unconditionally, benefit from dark struggles, and whole heartily live to my full potential.  I don't want to be quick to judge, I don't want to be taken advantage of, or be swindled into something that ISN'T me.


That night accumulated another handful of sleepless hours. I had butterflies. I was sorrowful... I had sparked a long long train of thought for myself.  It made me think of life, death, trials, and overcoming them.  I thought of a thief feeling the chillingly icy handcuffs suffocate his wrists for the first time, and mother introduced to the newborn she had spent every moment with for the last nine months.  
What were they thinking at the moment, how did they get there?  

It's things like that that make life beautiful.

Sooner or later I will defeat my faults and attain a few of my goals.  
It's all just one giant learning process.
and I find myself somewhere in the midst of it all, overwhelmed with excitement, stomach in knots and I would imagine not at all prepared.